Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Hornswaggler
Culture, Humor, Sports
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Friday, December 06, 2002

Further Conversations with My God -- by Kurt Warner, Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams



"Hey, God. It's me, Kurt Warner, again. Are you there?"

" ... "

"God?"

(rumbling sounds) "Yes, Kurt, what is it?"

"Oh hi Lord! My blessed Savior! My favor -- "

Oh shut up! What do you want this time, Kurt?"

"God, is my hand, broken on so many occasions, ever going to get better?"

"Gee, Kurt. You caught me at a bad time here. Plus it's late. How about we talk next week some time."

"But you're my God."

"Hey, let's cool it with the possessive case, Jockstrap."

"What? But God, seriously. Am I ever going to get back to the level where I was before?"

"At football? Or do you mean mentally?"

"Football, God. You big silly."

"Oh, because I was going to say, with the number of hits you've taken, you'll be lucky to count to four in a few years. You've taken more shots than a Congolese missionary. You've taken more hits than a String Cheese Incident audience."

" ... "

"Listen, Kurt, I'm going to level with you. I've seen busted windshields with greater structural integrity than your right hand. And your confidence is shot. The answer to your question is No."

"What?! You can't be ... You mean it's all over?"

"Kidding! Kidding! Listen Kurt, I don't know the answer to that question. And it's not that I can't see into the future or that I don't want to tell you because I'm supposed to remain mysterious, being GOD and all. It's just that I don't care. Plus I'd have to get up and go over and look at my big data field of American pro sports omniscience, and I'm ... let's just say I'm indisposed right now."

"Oh."

"Kurt, I've got to run. Hey, next time you play, be sure to throw to Torry Holt. He's on my fantasy football team."

"Am I on your fantasy football team, God?"

"Ho Ho Ho! Of course not, Kurt! You're having a terrible season! Besides which, I always have only one white skill position player on my team per season and this year I had to go with Bledsoe. You really have been concussed too often. Try to keep that cerebellum of yours from getting hit any more. Good night, Kurt."

"Good night, God."




.: posted by hornswaggler 6:22 PM


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