You know, I feel bad for Kurt Warner of the St. Louis Rams (whom the Philadelphia Eagles defeated 10-3 on Sunday*, resulting in a cautiously optimistic simultaneous orgasm within Birdlandia), struggling as he is with a right hand that's now been shattered like a Christmas ornament, but then I read a quote like this from his postgame assessment: "Three things I try not to do: disappoint my God, my family and my teammates**. Today, I did that." Then I read a quote like that and I remember that Kurt Warner is a fucking insane Jesus freak who loaned his prefrontal lobes out awhile ago and never got them back. Kurt's God, hmm? ...
"Kurt, this is your God. You can tell because of my deep booming stentorian voice." (Which voice you readers should say in your head as you follow along.) "You have gravely disappointed me, Kurt. Those two fumbles where you simply dropped the ball without being hit, that's not how I would have done it. Nor would I, your Lord and Savior, have underthrown Isaac Bruce in the end zone in the third quarter, turning a sure and most holy touchdown into a momentum-killing interception. Not very God-like, Kurt.
"Frankly, Kurt, if I can be perfectly honest here, and I think I can, seeing as I am your God, I wasn't paying attention to your game at all. It was boring. (Plus I tend to stay away from Philadelphia as a rule.) I was up in Minneapolis inhabiting the body of Michael Vick of the Atlanta Falcons. Did you see my 46-yard run for a touchdown in overtime? Pretty sweet, eh? Now that's what God looks like, Kurt. Anyway, I had to watch your game on videotape and I'm afraid I'll have to punish you for my having had to watch it. Very tedious indeed, Kurt. Now go home to that weird-looking wife of yours. I don't think I was paying attention on that day either, when you proposed to that Bride of Frankenstein. By the way, this isn't God speaking; you're a paranoid schizophrenic."
*Which means that the Eagles, who are 9-3, will clinch homefield advantage throughout the playoffs if they win their four remaining games, none of which feature an opponent (at Seahawks, at Dallas, Washington, at Giants) with a winning record. (If the Packers, Eagles and Bucs all end up with 13-3 records, the Eagles take the tie-break by virtue of having beaten the Bucs head-to-head and their perfect conference record.)
**I wonder what his teammates think about the fact that they're third on the priority list, seeing as how they're kind of like the most directly invested in Warner's performance.