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Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" -- "I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!" |
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Monday, February 16, 2004EaglesI've pretty much lost my patience with Dave Spadaro, who's in charge of the Philadelphia Eagles' official Web site. What I like about the site is Spadaro's access to the team, which bears occasional fruit, the fact that it's updated daily, and most important, the reports from training camp. But his bias as a shill for the Eagles organization is at times intolerable. Despite his affiliation with the organization, he presents himself as a journalist. However, that pretense falls apart when he, for instance, exhorts fans two days after another devastating championship game loss, "Hey gang! There's always next year! Who's happy? Yippy-skippy!" (Slight paraphrase.) The latest example is this analysis of the Eagles' offseason needs. He ranks defensive end first, perhaps in an effort to go against the grain, since wide receiver is the more obvious choice. "A premier pass rusher is needed," he begins. He continues: "Hey, maybe it's Derrick Burgess, returning from his second injury in as many seasons. Maybe it's Jerome McDougle or Jamaal Green heading into year No. 2. Maybe it's a combination of depth and speed and giving N.D. Kalu some much-needed rest and allowing him to flourish as an edge rusher." Get the needle out of your arm, Spadaro. Burgess? I hope Derrick Burgess returns to full strength, has a great season and a wonderful life, but you have got to be injecting Dilaudid if you think the Eagles can count on him at all this year. Anything from him will be a bonus. He's a fourth-year player who had a promising rookie season and has not played a down the last two seasons because of season-ending injuries to his legs. N.D. Kalu? Yeah, let's create a situation where he can flourish. Maybe while we're at it we can create a real-life Jurassic Park where prehistoric creatures can flourish, a reptilian wonderland filled to the bursting with brontasauri and velociprators. At wide receiver, Spadaro says: "It's time that Andy Reid makes the decision to get better at wide receiver. I'll argue that he's made that decision every year -- drafting receivers, the latest being Billy McMullen in last year's third round -- but the Eagles must be better at wide receiver next season." Uh, okay. So what do you suggest? "Maybe it's McMullen who makes it happen. Maybe it's a free agent. Perhaps it's a wide receiver in the early stages of the draft. Whatever. The Eagles must create another matchup problem on offense." Maybe it's McMullen? A free agent? Early stages of the draft? Billy McMullen, last year's third round pick, was a big-bodied possession receiver at the University of Virginia. He was thrown to once last season and the ball hit him in the face. Spadaro, if you think sitting pat and seeing if McMullen becomes a big-time threat in '04 is an option, then it's clear that Andy Reid dresses you in a leather one-piece, stores you in a trunk and calls you "the gimp." As for free agency, there are only three options: Terrell Owens, Darrell Jackson and Steve Smith. Smith is restricted and it's doubtful the Panthers will let him go. No one else would represent a significant upgrade. Who else is there? Darnerien McCants? Dedric Ward? Please. Early rounds of the draft? Yeah, let's be nonchalant about it. First round, third round. Whatever. Listen up, baldy. If the Eagles don't get either Owens or Jackson in free agency, then that first pick has to go on a wide receiver. Anything else and Eagles fans will be jumping out of windows. I have a big breakdown of the wide receivers in this year's draft and the history of receivers taken in the last five years that I am going to post here shortly. It's better than anything else you'll find online, Eagles fans, so be sure to check back. .: posted by hornswaggler 3:52 PM| |
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