Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


One can only hope the bias in favor of the Oklahoma Sooners football team will perish now that it has been embarassed by USC in the national championship game. I'm one of the people who thought Auburn should have been playing USC for the national title based upon the strength of their schedule, specifically the top-10 teams they defeated.

Last year, Oklahoma wound up in the title game against LSU instead of USC, even though they were blown out by Kansas State in the Big 12 conference championship, and they wound up being physically dominated by the Tigers. This year they got into the BCS title game basically because they were ranked higher than Auburn to start the season, is all I can figure, because the only really good team they beat was Texas, whereas Auburn beat LSU, Tennessee and Georgia twice.

Jason White, it turns out, is just not that good a quarterback, but someone who puts up huge numbers because he plays for a team that physically outclasses the majority of its opponents. That first interception he threw tonight off his back foot into quadruple coverage was pitiful. Meanwhile, Matt Leinart is going first in the draft to the San Francisco 49ers. Apparently he's said he's coming back, but please, F that shit. He's declaring.

Ashlee Simpson was booed lustily after her half-time performance. I watched to see if she was lip-synching. She wasn't, and at first it worked out for her. But by the end she was screaming off-key while making pelvic thrusts along to "You make me want to la la," because evidently "la la" means "fuck" or "masturbate." Captain Incest (sorry, best I could do image-wise) must be proud of his little raven-haired daughter. The fact that Simpson uses "la la" to refer to sex perfectly captures the insipid reality of so many pop love songs, wherein girls who just put down their teddy bears are telling the rest of us how it is when it comes to romance.

Here's a natural segue: Terry Bradshaw said Brett Favre is the best quarterback of all time. (This has been sticking in my craw.) He's so dead wrong. Peyton Manning is already a better quarterback than Favre. Joe Montana was better, as was Johnny Unitas, etc. What Bradshaw likes is Favre's style, his moxie, which, granted, Favre has in spades. But the best quarterback ever to play the game does not throw the idiotic interceptions Favre does; exhibit A was that duck he threw to the Eagles in overtime of the NFC divisional game last year. Favre is a tough guy and a vastly entertaining football player, but his command of the QB position, specifically his decision-making, is way overrated by most every NFL commentator.

Bradshaw is a fucking loon. My girlfriend astutely observed that the Fox pregame show is like "The View" for men. As annoying and unwatchable as James Brown, Howie Long, Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson are (have you noticed the latter's Tourettic post-speech lip-smacking?), at least they're not utter douchebags like Jim Nance, Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe and Boomer Esiason over at CBS, which network has picked up right where NBC left off in selecting the absolute worst people to host their football shows, the worst music, the worst everything. Why has the coverage for the AFC always been worse than the coverage for the NFC, since the beginning of time? "Hey, it's Jim 'The Masters, A Tournament Unlike Any Other, By The Way I'm A Douchebag' Nance*, here with Dan, Shannon and Boomer. Can you feel the excitement?" Marino actually isn't a stupid asshole like Sharpe and Esiason, but in that company he comes off like one. Sharpe is the idiotic replacement for Deion Sanders, while Boomer Esiason is a humorless dick. And they try these lame puns when they're doing the highlights, trying to be like Chris Berman, and they laugh at each other's shit, as if it's funny. Bottom line, anyone who has cable and chooses to sit through Fox or CBS pregame in lieu of the countdown on ESPN is clinically retarded and should be stripped of his or her right to vote.

It turns out Freddie Mitchell has one year left on his contract. (Why can't I find a goddamn list of free agents for 2005?) Local blowhard Howard Eskin thinks Mitchell will be traded this offseason. Positing that Mitchell has a good post-season, how about Mitchell and a second-round pick to the Chiefs for Larry Johnson, to form a double-headed monster with Brian Westbrook, since the Eagles need a solid RB to spell him. The Chiefs would be insane to trade Johnson rather than Priest Holmes, given age and injury issues, but Priest, when healthy, has a special magic, and it's possible Vermeil'll want to hold on to him for sentimentalish reasons. Bottom line is the Chiefs need to bring in a free-agent starter at receiver and spend all their remaining money and every single one of their draft picks on defense. If they do it wisely, they could make a run at the Super Bowl next year.

*also known as Jim "Billy, You're Not A Constipated Old Prick, Why Don't You Tell Us What Jim Boeheim Is Doing Wrong' Nance.

.: posted by hornswaggler 9:16 PM

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