Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Thursday, June 13, 2002

What is Bluto saying in "Animal House" when, coming down the stairs at the Toga Party, he smashes the guitar of the guy who is serenading the girl(s) with "I gave my love a cherry..."? He's giving a resounding "No" to Inauthenticity, especially when it is used by tools trying to get in girls' pants.

It's a good thing the San Francisco Chronicle does not resort to sensationalism to sell papers. One of the headlines yesterday: "Joyride Death Plunge." About some teenagers who were boozing and racing and then learning their lesson the hard way. Worse than the headline was the lede: "A joyride for a group of five Oakland teenagers turned deadly when..." The "turned deadly" phrase, one of the calling cards of local news broadcasts, is a sure sign that you're catering to the lowest common denominator. Sometimes it's too obvious a usage, like above, or as in: "A game of tag with Tec-9 semiautomatic pistols turned deadly today..." Most often it's employed as follows:

Nightly News Anchor Jim Broadbeam: "...but not everyone enjoyed today's record temperatures and sunny skies. For more on a tragic turn of events, let's go live to our heavily made-up reporter, Stacy Stridall, who is live at San Francisco's Ocean Beach. Stacy?"

Stridall: "Jim, I'm here live at Ocean Beach, where an innocent game of fetch with a spunky Chihuahua named Frisky turned deadly today for one Pacifica dog owner. Rob Conrad was here at this very spot on the beach, throwing a ping pong ball out into the surf for Frisky and a racquet ball for his Nova Scotian Duck Tolling Retriever, Mr. Twister, when something went horribly, horribly wrong. A rip tide pulled Frisky, who was feeling perhaps a bit too froggy, out into the surf. We spoke with a distraught and shaken Conrad, earlier today."

Conrad: "Frisky was yipping and doing the best he could, but he just wasn't strong enough."

Stridall: "Jim, despite a valiant effort by Mr. Twister to pull him out of the deadly undertow, Frisky was unable to make it back to shore, another victim of a vicious undertow here at Ocean Beach."

Broadbeam: "Stacy, what about the ping pong ball? Was the rescue team able to recover it?"

Stridall: "I have it right here, Jim. As you can see by this speck of foam and seaweed, this ball was clearly fighting for its little plastic life out there in the surf today."

Broadbeam: "Thank you, Stacy. Say, Stacy, what's that bit of green there on your neck? Your mask isn't on the verge of coming off and revealing that you are actually an alien, is it?"

Stridall :(forked tongue flicking in and out of her mouth): "Ha ha. Certainly not Jim. Back to you."

.: posted by hornswaggler 1:49 PM

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