"Thank you all for comin'. First of all, as you know, I will continue to hunt down the CEOs who are fudgin' the books."
"Mr. President, the podium is over here."
"I knew that. I was just testin' ya. Sometimes I don't know if y'all are payin' attenshun. I think McSweeney from the Wall Street Journal listens to the ball games on his headphones during my press briefings. (laughter) Hey there, Sweener." (winks)
("He's so familiar with everyone! That's his charm.")
"As, I said, if you're a CEO and you're fudgin' the books, we're gonna getcha. And I will continue to defend freedom and fight terra. Now I'm off for my vacation. Any questions. No hard ones. My ass kinda itches. (laughter) Yeah. Mm Hmm. I will be working on my vacation. I may make some phone calls. Check in with Vladimir Putin, the Russian president. I call him Pootie-Poot. He's a shifty rooskie. Likes his 'wodka.' That's what he calls it. Cracks me up every time. Used to be a big guy at the KBG. Kinda reminds me of my father. Defending freedom. 'Cept he was defending what Ronald Reagan called a "evil empire." Hey, anyone see that new Star Wars movie? I didn't catch it, but I did see the new Austin Powers. Liked it. Like that Dr. Evil. When I'm naughty I'm placed in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds. Freshly shorn scrotum. Had me laughin'. But anyway now old Pootie-Poot's with us, defendin' freedom against the Axis of Evil. By the way, we've expanded the Axis of Evil.You lazy reporters might want to write this down, do your job for a change (smirks, winks. laughter). It now includes Canada. So watch out up there. OK. Dubya's over and out. Ari, you're in charge."
This press conference brought to by Carl's Jr., introducing the new "Slovokian Beef Hammer" double with pig's knuckles. If it doesn't get all over your face, well, I guess you've successfully eaten a sandwich. Congratulations.
I'm off for the B-Day dinner. The fourth annual Blowfish sushi dinner will not occur. Slices at Arinell and then Kennedy's, that's the plan. Slummin' it. Saw the Ghosts at the Parkside on Thursday. Awesome. Full account on the way. Long story short: any time a lead singer with a sheet over his head does a Jaeger shot through his eye hole, you're talkin' turkey. Promised change to site did not materialize. But a friend of mine was laid off from his IT-type job on Friday (the bastards paged him on the way to the Parkside, so he had to go home to trouble-shoot, then laid him off on Friday) so he'll have plenty of time to help me with the site.