Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Monday, November 18, 2002

I'm beginning to think there's something fishy about my wet pussy journal. Sounds an awful lot like a really dumb Penthouse subscriber's idea of what a sexually open woman might write about.

I'm surprised by how mild my reaction has been to Donovan McNabb's season-ending injury. I suspect that I am in deep denial. Out the window like a dime bag of weed flutters my goal for the Eagles of homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. I didn't see the game yesterday and my attempts to see highlights were largely thwarted by Fate, though I did see the injury itself.

However, unlike some doomsayers out there, I believe this team can still get into the playoffs without McNabb and then get him back for the 1st or 2nd round. The season is badly damaged, but not over. We're in like Das Boot mode, stuck on the bottom, the hull creaking and threatening to implode, panic and dread setting in. No big deal. Will my fantasy world be affected by Donovan's broken ankle? You better believe it.

Koy Detmer -- Colorado Buffalo, class clown and brother of Heisman Trophy winner, NFL homunculus and former Eagle Ty Detmer (hey Eagles fans, who remembers that lovely 14-0 loss to the Niners in the playoffs with Ty at the helm?), which is kind of funny, because Koy's career has now outlasted his brother's -- now takes over the con.

Koy Detmer is plucky and resourceful. Talented? Marginally. But did I mention plucky. His most memorable career moment came a few years ago at the Vet against the Packers, when he got into an obscene gesture showdown with Brett Favre. This whole tete-a-tete vis a vis Favre was ultimately all in good fun, I'm sure, since Brett is good friends with aforementioned brother Ty.

Koy, playing for I forget what reason, led a dramatic comeback, punctuating touchdown passes with a "putting the six-shooters back in the holsters" move and then, more profanely, a kind of "ride 'em cowboy" side-to-side whuppin' that these days is most often employed to signify sex doggy-style. Favre, whose Packers were plagued by injuries to the likes of Robert Brooks and current Eagles Dorsey Levens and Antonio Freeman and in the midst of a post-Super Bowl lull, whose once proud Packers were being humiliated by a hapless team led by a scruffy QB who was literally whipping the Veterans Stadium crowd into a frenzy at Green Bay's expense, took it personally, got pissed and rose to the challenge, leading the Packers to a game-clinching comeback, which he punctuated by directing a spot-on steed/ass lashing of his own at the Eagles' bench.

Anyway, that's Koy Detmer for you. He's looser than Jenna Jameson's asshole. And an expert at post-touchdown gesticulation. I like him. We'll see how he plays.

Grammatical Errors in Popular Music, First Installment: In the Beastie Boys' "Hey Ladies" off of Paul's Boutique. Pray allow us to examine the following couplet: "Words flowin' out just like the Grand Canyon/And I'm always out lookin' for a female companion." Though the meaning of MCA's rhyme in the first line is clear, Adam Yauch has made a classic error in comparing his "words" to this great American landmark. The Grand Canyon itself cannot flow. Water flowing through the canyon gradually eroded it, forming the breathtaking landscape we see today. And, indeed, water continues to flow in a river along the floor of the canyon. What Mr. Yauch no doubt means to say is, his rhymes flow out like the waters flow and have flown out of the Grand Canyon, employing the massive geological phenomenon to emphasize the magnitude of Mr. Yauch's dope skills on the mic.

Pathetically, I don't even know the term for the error I am describing. Luckily, I happen to have a rationalization for this apparent deficiency at the ready: I am as the Samurai warrior who learns his skills and then forgets them, such that they remain within his subconscious mind and guide his actions.

.: posted by hornswaggler 4:10 PM

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