Press Briefing by Authority Figure Who Starts out as Just Some Single Guy but about Half-Way through Morphs into Just Some Single Guy inhabitated by George W. Bush
"Okay, thank you all for waiting. I've got a brief announcement to make and that is that I'm going to get a blow job tonight. Okay, are ... there any questions. Brock."
"How do you know you're going to get a blow job?"
"Well, our intelligence suggests that's it's all but a fait accompli. And we've received strongly worded assurances."
"Do you know this person? Have you gotten head from this person before?"
"Uh, for security reasons, I can't answer that question, I'm sorry. The individual is female and very attractive. That's all I can say. Ned."
"Is she going to lightly cup the balls?"
"I would certainly hope so. Amy."
"Is there going to be any reciprocation on your part. Do you plan on engaging in cunnilingus?"
"Um, I'm going to have to direct you to the press secretary on that one. He'll be available after the Q&A. Craig."
"How long has it been since you've had a blow job?"
"I'm afraid I can't answer that question either, on account of evildoers. I can say that I am looking forward to tonight and I'm getting slightly aroused right now, just thinking about it."
"So you're chub?"
"Yes, that's right. Full chub. Rene."
"Regarding Iraq, how has your administration feel about Saddam Hussein's response to -- "
"I'd like to stick to blow job-related questions, here, Rene."
"But, Mr. President, with inspectors now reestablished in Iraq ... "
"Mr. Hussein is an evildoer, plain and simple. He has used weapons of mass destruction on his own people. But I'd like to stick to the weapon of mass destruction in my pants, namely my penis. Last question."
"Do you think Saddam Hussein's aggression stems from the fact that he has a small penis?"
"That's a good question. I think most evildoers who wage terror are evil and poorly endowed by Allah. Islam means peace. But there's no peace for evildoers with tiny penskis. Thank you. As a last note, I'd like to encourage you to join the armies of compassion this holiday season, waging war on the sadness of those less fortunate than you."