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Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" -- "I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!" |
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Wednesday, November 13, 2002What's that you say? You're fucking dying to know what's been happening in the strange and, to some people whom I know quite well no doubt rather disquieting, fantasy world in which the wildly vacillating fortunes of football's Philadelphia Eagles are reflected in the lives of the inhabitants of a fictitious, anachronistic, kind of existing within a field of suspended-time kingdom?I'm glad you asked. When we last heard from the king, he was dealing with an insidious malady that highly trained medical specialists in the field refer to as "Saggy Penis." I'll draw a straight line for everyone here: Based on two straight victories over the Giants and Bears, things were looking up for the old Rex regis. His people found and viciously punished the company that sold the king his herbal supplements, obtained via spam email. The king confiscated a lifetime supply of the pills, his fullness of member returned and he executed every last spam email company employee in the realm. Their heads impaled on spikes on the kingdom's gates served as a reminder to future eVultures. HOWEVER, the pathetic* 35-13 loss to the Colts on Sunday had to have repurcussions. And the king developed the worst case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in documented history. To say merely that his ass was a leaky spigot would be to really just make a feeble effort at explicating the king's condition, at getting one's mind around the enormity of the problem. Sadly, or not, that's what you're going to get. The fugitive Wrinklybottoms, now a sworn enemy of the formerly penile-y and currently anally afflicted king, was working it with a sophisticated woman at the bar in a tavern on the outskirts of town. He'd been laying layer after layer of rap down on this broad and the time was nigh to cut to the quick: Wrinklybottoms: "So, Lady Lay, are you going to let me tap that ass or what?" Lady Lay: "Excuse me?" WB: "You know what I'm talkin' bout Mama. I needs to get some stank on my hanglow." "Oh, Hell no!" she cried in mock indignation, secretly delighted that WB was down with the street argot. "I ain't gettin' with yo skanky ass!" She quickly softened her tone, however, and continued sweetly, giving the smiling Count an acquiescing look, "Well, on second thought, I suppose I could be accomodating." "Magnifique!" cried the Count, thinking to himself with relish, "I'm going to lay Lady Lay!" Had the count not been so drunk or paying better attention, he might have seen a queerly dark look flash across the face of the strange woman and then disappear, her features resuming their playful mien. WB executed an exaggerated bow and followed Lady Lay upstairs. *Trounced by the fucking Colts at home?! James Mungro??!! You have got to be kidding me. This was an affront. I hear Mungro and I think Mungo from that old Heathcliff the cat cartoon, I think Mongo from Blazing Saddles; I definitely do not think of some no-name back shredding the Eagles' run defense, prancing through the secondary, emasculating our linebackers, handing WR Reggie Wayne his breakout game and setting up the dreaded, frightfully passe Manning-Harrison play-action TD pass. Most horrific, galling moment? Going for it on fourth and short, Dorsey Levens rolls right on a halfback option pass and heaves a duck back across the field towards QB Donovan McNabb (who had one of the worst games of his career), who is heading down the left sideline and double-covered. Somehow McNabb shakes free of the double team -- one of the DBs slipped -- and emerges wide open, only to have the ball doink right off his hands. He also missed a wide open touchdown pass in the first half. Scrambling to his left a fired a rocket behind a wide open receiver -- Thrash, Freeman? I can't remember. Put some touch on the ball Donovan. Jesus. .: posted by hornswaggler 7:18 PM| |
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