Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Not that this is a newsflash, but Trent Lott is scum. When he says "we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years" -- "Whoopsie! Did I just say that out loud?" -- if segregationist Strom Thurmond had won the presidency in 1948, what could he possibly mean besides "we wouldn't have had all these problems what with these uppity Negroes causing trouble."

At best, what he means is that there would have been less violence, fewer lives lost, if we'd just kept things segregated. Kind of a Racist Humanitarian point of view. That's at best.

What does that cryptic old codger mean anyway? Here's what I think he might have said if the filter that, after all these years of careful vigilance, slipped for just that one moment during that speech were to be fully removed: "Now, if we had kept the coloreds and the whites separated, like old Strom here wanted back in 1948, then think about it, there wouldn't have been all this strife in American society. In fact, we'd be living in a utopia, where money grows on trees, except for the poor, because these special trees aren't for everybody. Whites over here and coloreds over there. Just ponder that one for a second. No black fella would ever touch his big fleshy lips to the water of a drinking fountain whose water you just drank. Can you imagine the heaven? There'd be no problems in America, people. Fact is, only niggers been lynched in America have been the uppity niggers.

"And think how much better football would be if it was still Paul Hornung lumbering around left tackle on a sweep with no quick shifty niggers there to tackle him. Go Paul! Score a touchdown for the white man! And without all them stringbean niggers pogo-ing around the court like stretched-out monkeys, whites could still be playing the scintillating basketball of the 1950s! We'd still have the set shot for cryin' out loud! Hell, even Jews would be able to play! We all know that if we hadn't bred the Negro in the fields he wouldn't be dominating professional sports.

"Can you picture how great music would be if the black man hadn't instilled his sinful jungle rhythms into our libido? None of that jazz or blues or rock or even Elvis, who spent far too much personal time with the black man, if you ask me. You all like polka? Well welcome to heaven, is all I can say.

"If the liberals hadn't coddled the Negro and whispered into his ear that's all stretched out with a big hole in the lobe about his individual rights and freedoms, there would be no problems in society. Blacks over here. Whites over there. Beaners still in Mexico. Now if Strom had been elected some might think the so-called oppressed Negroes' resentment would have finally built to a boil and explosion even bigger than in the '60s. Yeah, and some say Civil Rights was an inevitable step in the evolution of American democracy and Human Rights. But Strom and me were talkin' a couple years back, we could've just built bigger fences, maybe given the Negroes big enclosures with trees for them to climb in. See I have insider knowledge about what Strom would have done had he been elected back in '48. Strom had a whole plan, which he came up with during his famous and heroic filibuster in 1957 of civil rights legislation, when he spoke for 24 hours, tryin' to block that legislation. I'll share part of that plan for you now, if you follow along on this white board here:

Strom Thurmond's Never-Before Released Four Point Plan for the American Negro:

Number One: Entice the Negro onto a Rocket Ship with a Banana and Send Him to Colonize Pluto.

Number Two: Entice the Negro onto a Steamship with a Banana and Send Him to Anarctica, Which He Can Have.

Number Three: Fence in the Grand Canyon and Plant It with Lush Jungle Foliage, Fill It with the Negro, Make it the Arizona National Zoo, the World's Largest Primate Exhibit.

Number Four: Pretend to Concede the Cold War to the Soviets, Then Give Those Rooskies a Whole Mess of Wooden Horses Filled to the Brim with the American Negro."

So there you have it. Strom Thurmond's secret plan for the black population, presented by Trent Lott. Everything that you have seen above is SATIRE. Just want to make that clear. The author, me, does not espouse the views expressed above, but rather attributes them to the darkest heart of hearts of the remaining racists in American politics. In my view, Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott constitute a stain on the American character and I wish personal ill.

Also, you'll notice I've spelled the satirically expressed N word incompletely. If you're looking for an effect of the creation of the Total Information Awareness program of the Dept. of Homeland Security, that's one right there, because I'm not sure I want some web crawler (does this word in this context evoke for you the future dystopia of the Terminator movies with humans like scattering away from the skull-crushing robots and flying machines?) coming across these words on my page. Although, come to think about it, with Ashcroft and the like in charge, maybe that'll have the opposite effect, i.e. get me on their Patriot List or invited to dinner with the Attorney General. Paranoid? Perhaps. I like this quote from Infinite Jest: "YES I'M PARANOID -- BUT AM I PARANOID ENOUGH?"

.: posted by hornswaggler 5:57 PM

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