Hey! Who's excited for tonight's presidential press conference? Huh, gang?
I'm looking for President Bush to come out and tell it like it is, as usual. This is a time of testing, but with his leadership we will see this mission through and bestow freedom on the Iraqi people.
We're already seeing so much progress. Just the other day, an Iraqi mother in the Sunni Triangle called in the military with a tip about the insurgents, displaying her dead husband's body with a Verizon picture phone. A picture phone! Can you believe it? Before Operation Iraqi Freedom, she'd have been using some crappy Cingular going, "Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"
This is only President Bush's 12th or so press conference in his entire tenure. Do you know why? Because he gets so much more done during them than his predecessors. Clinton had held about 60 or so by this time in his first term. What a waste of taxpayer money.
Vice President Dick Cheney will be there as well. What I'm hearing is that the Pentagon, on the occasion of his fifth heart attack, built him a miniature Bradley tank that he'll unveil tonight. He'll drive it down the red carpet and whenever the president hits a tough spot, Cheney will pop out of the hatch wearing a helmet and say, "Wha' happened?"
I also hear the president is going to start the proceedings with a little number that he performed at the correspondents dinner a couple weeks ago. You may recall that was the occasion where he did that bit where he was looking around the Oval Office for the missing weapons of mass destruction and going, "They've got to be around here somewhere." Simply uproarious.
What you probably missed, due to the time constraints for the nightly newscasts, was the part later on where he was looking for the four Americans who had been captured by the insurgents in Fallujah. And he's going around, hunched over, looking for them on the ground, and the entire time they'e hanging over his head! It ... was ... hilarious.
But anyway, this is the little ditty he sang, in case you missed it, which I hear he might reprise tonight:
"Iraq in spring is a wonderful thing,
Unless, of course, you're white,
Then bring your mace just in case
You run into a radical Shi'ite.
The sun on the Tigris glints like gold
And the sewage begins to smell.
America's here, bringing good cheer,
By the way, where's that oil well?"
Well, I guess you had to be there, but it is a killer in person. It really brings the mosque down, if you know what I mean.
Okay, listen. There have been some scary, disturbing scenes emerging from Iraq recently. But this is nothing that we didn't expect. Our enemy is desperate, they are on the ropes. Those people hanging from the bridge? The enemy was looking for white flags but they just couldn't find any! It was clearly an attempt to signal surrender.
These insurgents are desperate because they know that once the transition to democratic Iraq occurs, they are finished. These people hate democracy. Especially the sub-committee meetings. Could they take ... any ... longer? Oi gevalt.
We'll take care of this al-Sadr guy who's causing so much trouble and wrap things up. When we went in and shut down his newspaper, in the name of freedom, who knew it would cause such a stir? I mean, can you imagine a country in which newspapers and media outlets are allowed to spew hate-filled lies all the time?
Alright, kids, I'm going to go watch Fox News for the press conference "pre-game." Enjoy the show!