"Hello and welcome to 'Crotch Shot,' the political talk show that hits harder than a violent blow to the groin. I'm your host, Turds McSwirley. With me today are California's two Democratic Senators, Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein. They're going to tell me why Ronald Reagan was the greatest human being who ever walked the face of the Earth."
McSwirley introduces Boxer. "Good morning, Senator. Or shall I say, Helloooo beautiful! Oo yeah! You are quite a MILF aren't you?
Boxer: "I'm sorry? What did you just s ... "
"You heard me, toots. And now Senator Feinstein ... Ugh. You're not much of a MILF, are you, Senator?"
Feinstein: "Excuse me?"
"One word, sweetheart: Botox." Returning his attention to Boxer. "Actually, you're probably a GILF, right? You're a grandmother by now, I would imagine."
Boxer: "I cannot believe what I am hea ... "
"Reagan. The Great Communicator. The Teflon Don. This guy ... I get emotional. This was the greatest president in the history of the United States. He was so optimistic. He ended the Cold War singlehandedly. Amazing. Let's take a caller."
Caller: "Yeah, this is Jim from Omaha. You know, Turds, nowhere in all the bromides about Reagan have I heard anything about the October Surprise. The Iran-Contra scandal has been treated as an afterthought ... "
"Oh you are a scoundrel, sir! You're crazy. Running around, hugging trees, reading The New York Times. Next caller! Let's hear something about Reagan's eternal, unbridled optimism, please!"
Caller: "Yeah, Turds, Sam from Portland, Oregon. Don't you think that the celebration of Reagan's optimism says more about Americans than about the man himself? I mean, the idea that we should feel good about ourselves even when there's no reason to? Abu Ghraib, for example. As Americans, do we take any responsibility for what we do wrong?"
"Hey, take your Prozac, commie! You know what you need, pal? You need to grab a rifle, get in your SUV and go shoot a bear, okay? Shoot a grizzly bear, write 'USA' on its chest with bullets, and leave it lying there, alright? America is the greatest nation in the world. That's not debatable. Apple pie, baby! Do you hear what I'm saying? We make m#therf@#king apple pie."
Caller: "And your point is ... ?"
"You want America to be to defeated by the Taliban. You want your entire family to be slaughtered, you want the American government to collapse. You were just waiting for Saddam Hussein's air force to come rumbling over the bread basket and rain nuclear death upon you! Well, too bad, Yevgeny. Cuz we took old Saddam out of business."
Caller: "And Abu Ghraib?"
"Harmless fun! Is there anything more all-American than a bunch of young guys stripping other guys naked, sticking things in their rectums and taking pictures? Blowing off steam, that's what it is! It's good, old-fashioned, sadistic homosexual behavior!"
Caller: "What about Reagan's actual policies? The utter disregard for the poor, for the environment."
"Listen. I wrote a rap song with Dick Cheney the night of the midterms in '02, okay? It's called 'Nature is a bitch and I fucked her.' Maybe one day I'll perform it on the air. We've got to take a commercial break. We'll be back after these words."