Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Further Conversations with God, by Kurt Warner

Two-time NFL MVP Kurt Warner kneels down to pray. He dials in and gets St. Peter.

"Hey Kurt! How ya' doin'?"

"Good. I'm trying to reach God."

"Yeah. He's tied up. He'll be with you in a sec. So, you're with the Giants now, eh?"

"Yeah. It's a real blessing. That's what I'm praying about. I really want this latest chapter of my life to work out."

"Hmm, yeah. Say, how are the Giants looking, anyway? You feel good about the team? You think you'll be covering the spread this year?"

"Uh, it's probably too early tell. Say, is He free yet?"

St. Peter, who sounds drunk, is offended. "What? You don't wanna talk with ol' St. Pete?"

"No, it's not that. It ... "

"You really can't tell me anything about the Giants, huh? C'mon, Kurt! Give me the skinny! There must be someth ... Oh, here He is. Hold on."

In the background, Warner can hear God shouting to someone as he approaches. " ... Yeah, you should have seen him the next morning! Hey, you're lucky I let you in here, Sinatra, you dog! Mmyello?"

"Hey, God! It's me, Kurt."

"Kurt. What's up?"

"I'm just so excited about this latest opportunity. I want to thank you." Warner breaks into song. "I want to sing your praises, Oh Lord! And I want to ... "

"Please, please. That's enough."


"Listen, Kurt. I know you're feeling good about this situation. But I don't want you to get your hopes up too high, so that you'll be disappointed. You know when I told you last year that your right hand had the structural integrity of a busted windshield?"


"Well, I was going easy on you. It's not a pretty situation, digitally, for you, Kurt."

Warner is crestfallen. There is a long silence. To take his mind off this painful subject, the beleagured quarterback asks a topical question.

"So I imagine you've been hearing a lot from George W. Bush these days, huh God?"

"Who? Never heard of him."

"You've never heard of the President of the United States?"

"Ohhhhh, that guy," God says, remembering, his voice tinged with disdain. "Yech. He's a piece of work. Not the sharpest bulb in the drawer."

"But you mean you never hear from him?" Warner asks.

"Can't say that I do, no."

"God, George Bush is very religious. If he's not praying to you, and he's praying to somebody, then who's he praying to?"

God mutters, "Hmm, you've got a point." Then the full meaning of Warner's question hits him and he starts in alarm. "Jesus!"

Jesus pops in. "Yes?"

"It was just an exclamation, Son. I wasn't talking to you. You can go back to what you were doing."

"What are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing! I said get outta here, Jesus! You're out of the loop on this one!" God reconsiders. "Wait a second, Son. Sorry for the blowup. What's your ETD on returning to earth? Have you been picking up any chatter lately?"

"What do you mean, Father? I already went back, don't you remember?"

God laughs patronizingly. "I think I would remember that. And just who do you think you went back as?"

"Only the internationally acclaimed musical sensation, Liberace."

"Oh, shit! That's right." God has now brought his full attention to the problem. "Kurt, I've got to go. I'm going to have to get to the bottom of this. We've got the most powerful man in the world, a dolt, invading the Middle East, and for all we know he's communicating with the Easter Bunny. Great job, Kurt. Excellent work." God pauses. "I think you just might have a rebound season this year."

St. Peter picks up the phone. "Ha! I'm gonna be puttin' big money on the Blue this year, Kurt. Don't let me down."

(To Be Continued)

.: posted by hornswaggler 1:26 PM

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