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Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" -- "I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!" |
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004The Hollywood PACor It's time for Hollywood liberals to shut their mouths and open their wallets Trailing in the polls with six weeks left before the election, Democratic nominee John Kerry needs all the help he can get. That's where Hollywood comes in. If Hollywood liberals are truly serious about their political convictions, if they really believe a Bush reelection could do irreparable harm to this republic, then they ought to pool their resources and spend them on television, radio and print advertisements on behalf of John Kerry. Hollywood’s wealthy elite would have to give to the now infamous 527’s, political action committees that are allowed to run ads for or against candidates so long as the ads do not specifically instruct their audience to vote for either one. Since contributions to these PAC’s are not capped, they are the most effective way for wealthy individuals to affect the outcome of an election. It’s all well and good that so many Hollywood celebrities speak out against the Bush Administration. It's their right to do so. But if they think their words, or their attendance at the premiere of "Fahrenheit 9/11", make a difference, they're fooling themselves. Politics in America is about money, plain and simple. And rather than put on fund-raisers in which they convince other people to give to Kerry, members of Hollywood’s elite ought to dip into their own pockets. An additional $20-40 million would make an enormous difference for Kerry in November. All they have to do is follow the example of billionaire financier George Soros, who has given $5 million to MoveOn.org and $10 million to Americans Coming Together (ACT), the two premier liberal PACs. In short, it's time for all the Hollywood liberals who believe that 2004 is the most critical election year in U.S. history to button their yappers and cough up the dough. Here is an incomplete list of celebs who are due to contribute: Sean Penn This Hollywood bad boy turned political activist/acting Grand Master is a high-profile opponent of the war in Iraq. Looking at his ouevre, I'm going to estimate his net worth, conservatively, at around $50 million. Hollywood PAC contribution: $1 million. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon Over the years, right-wing demagogues like Rush Limbaugh have heaped the fetid manure of scorn onto this first couple of liberal celebrities by the shovelful (yet Robbins is still popular enough to have reeled in the Oscar for "Mystic River"). It's payback time. Hollywood PAC contribution: $2 million. Madonna is "enlightened" now and lives in England with husband Guy Ritchie, but, borne back ceaselessly into her past, she titled her last album "American Life," in which she critiques the culture she's helped debase. All she has to do is donate a fraction of the box office proceeds from "Castaway" and she ... What? Oh. Well, I'm sure she could take some of the cash she raked in for "Shanghai Surprise" and ... Really. Well then, luckily she can fall back on the ten gazillion records she's sold. After all, you can’t read the Kabbalah Cliff Notes if your entire civilization is crumbling around you. Hollywood PAC contribution: $3 million Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger are no longer a couple, but perhaps we can reunite them in the most romantic manner conceivable: Bundled contributions to a political campaign. Alec would need brass balls to balk at matching Kim's donation. $1 million apiece. Martin Sheen plays the president on television. Sadly, at an anti-war rally I attended in 2003 in San Francisco, Sheen was probably the most eloquent speaker on the podium. Where are the fiery and uplifting public speakers of this generation, a la Martin Luther King Jr? Oh, that's right. They were watching TV as children. Sheen pulls down a bundle for "West Wing." Hollywood PAC contribution: $1 million. Robert Redford Saddle up, Sundance. It's time to ride for democracy. You're already an advocate for the environment, but this year the Republic needs you to stretch your finances. Lean in close, Horse Whisperer, I’ve got something to tell you ... "$1 million." Meryl Streep The graceful doyenne of acting spoke out against George W. Bush while accepting her Golden Globe for her (absurdly good) work in "Angels in America." Ka-ching! We'll put her down for $1 million. Larry David The New Yorker reported that he has earned $200 million in royalties from "Seinfeld" alone. Plus, his wife is a big-time environmental activist among the rich and famous of L.A. Do you know what that means, Larry? You can give her the gift of a lifetime for just one percent of your "Seinfeld" royalties. Hollywood PAC contribution: $2 million. George Clooney This hunky dreamboat with eyes that liquefy women like he's a smelting factory has dedicated significant time to stumping for his own father's congressional campaign. Known for his disinclination to settle down with just one woman, perhaps Clooney would be well served by sublimating more of his volcanic libido into a worthy cause. Hollywood PAC contribution: $1 million. Gwenyth Paltrow The mind reels considering her net worth. And I would imagine she saves a lot of money by never eating. Her significant other, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, a Brit, is a dedicated activist and Bush administration foe. Seeing as Coldplay's "Clocks" was the most overplayed song of 2003, Martin's contribution ought to be viewed not so much as a political act but as the repayment of his debt to society. Combined Hollywood PAC contribution: $4 million. Barbara Streisand Poor Bah-bwa. She too has kissed the warm shovel of right-wing scorn. Though her memos to Al Gore and the DNC were laser-beam distillations of liberal philosophy, Streisand would better exact revenge on her conservative foes by kicking down some of that sweet "Yentl" moolah. Hollywood PAC contribution: $1 million. Leonardo DiCaprio Unless you act, Leo, it's George W. Bush who'll be "King of the World," and it won't be Celine Dion you hear soaring in the background. It'll be "Ride of the Valkyries." Don't be like the retard you played in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" Give it up, DiCaprio. Hollywood PAC contribution: $2 million. Woody Harrelson has been arrested while dangling from the Golden Gate Bridge for a liberal cause and eschews Sizzler and Allegra in favor of macrobiotic, vegan foods and homeopathic remedies. In other words, he puts his money where his mouth is, figuratively. Now let's make it literal. Hollywood PAC contribution: $1 million. Warren Beatty He's a political player from way back in the day of George McGovern and flirted with a presidential run in 2000. Just for entertaining that kind of narcissicism, his contribution will be set at $1.5 million. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are Hollywood politicos on the rise. If Affleck would merely donate a small portion of the proceeds from "Gigli", then ... Already did that one, eh? Surely Ben could free up some coin merely by cutting his tips at casinos and strip clubs by five percent. As for Damon, he's such a nice guy that he makes for an elusive satirical target, which is very irritating. Just for that, he'll have to match Affleck's contribution. $1 million apiece. Al Franken is already doing a lot with Air America, but any money he can spare would be neato keen. Hollywood PAC contribution: $500,000. Janeane Garofolo has also felt right wing scorn's fetid embrace. She's a committed activist and a radio voice on Air America. We'll target her for $50,000. Ted Danson "Cheers" royalties make him a strong target for $1 million. Whoopi Goldberg A member of the Hollywood PAC for whom we earnestly hope the motto, "Shut your mouth and open your wallet," is something she takes to heart. Just kidding, Whoopi. You were great in "The Associate." Hollywood PAC contribution: $500,000. Amy Brenneman of "Judging Amy" spoke at the same rally during which, as I mentioned, Martin Sheen so thoroughly touched me. What I didn't say was that Sheen also touched me physically, but with the civil suit pending I can't comment further. Brenneman is still on the financial upswing of her career, so we'll target her at $100,000. Salma Hayek is a progressive, isn't she? "Frida" was a communist, after all. Hollywood PAC contribution: $1 million. Francis Ford Coppola Francis, if you go against my wishes, and you don't give some of your vast personal fortune to this PAC ... you'll disappoint me. Hollywood PAC Contribution: $2 million. Oprah Winfrey is not a political animal. Nor is she human. This extra-terrestrial, who has adopted this planet as her own galactic fiefdom, holds herself above mundane political affairs, knowing full well that whatever happens here on Earth will have no effect on the ceasefire agreement struck between the Rnzibib Federation and the squidlike entities who rule the dark expanse beyond Ursa Minor. Seriously though, if Oprah can take a break from parading her wealth in front of the middle class fans who worship at the altar of her multimillion dollar lifestyle, perhaps she can cut a check for $3 million. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas Spielberg and his wife give to Democratic causes, but at small change levels. Lucas isn't political, but he cleans his many bathrooms with $100 bills, so perhaps Spielberg can convince his friend to empty out the pockets of an old pair of jeans and match his contribution at $2 - $5 million apiece Tom Cruise and John Travolta Shhh! If you listen closely ... you can hear the loose lug nuts rattling around inside the skulls of these committed Scientologists. Until they break free of "the Church," Cruise and Travolta aren't going to be any good to us, unless some of their sane friends prevail upon them. Travolta, in much the same spirit as Chris Martin, ought at the very least to support the PAC as penance for being blessed with a Quentin Tarantino-abetted career resurrection, only to subject the American public to an endless stream of shitty movies. Combined Hollywood PAC contribution: $2 - $5 million. ######################################################### As you can see, even this incomplete tally has the potential to raise millions, especially if the actors and actresses involved enlist their less fortunate peers to contribute at more terrestrial levels. Most of the people on this list are set for life financially. Therefore, they should fear reprisals neither from the political sphere nor from box office-minded Hollywood producers. After all, what is more important? The future of American democracy or their ability to rake in $10 million for yet another insipid comedy or summer blockbuster? They should heed the example set by Mel Gibson, who, whether you agree with him or not, put his money and reputation on the line with "The Passion of the Christ" and hit the jackpot. The tone of this list is irreverent, but the politically minded members of the Hollywood elite ought to evaluate this prospect in all seriousness. Unlike most Americans, they have the ability to do more than complain about Bush or volunteer for Kerry's campaign and then pull the lever for the Democratic candidate come November. They have the financial wherewithal to change the course of history. If the people I listed really believe, as many Americans do, that four more years of George W. Bush's administration would do profound damage to our country -- to the environment, to the economy, to our national security, to the situation in the Middle East and to America's standing in the world -- then there is a very simple and effective way for them to do something about it: Join forces and spend a fraction of their fortunes on behalf of John Kerry. .: posted by hornswaggler 1:32 PM| |
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