Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Is it true?

Could it be? Could this be a non-football related post? After all, this blog has become an affront. Who would possibly be interested in reading this? Even the few people out there who I know are Eagles fans won't leave any comments below these posts, lest this pathetic jumble of partisan sports rantings stain their reputations.

Still, I do have some non-football ideas:

1) All the (ignorant and pampered) girls who have participated in MTV's "My Super Sweet 16" should be invited to a party on their behalf where they will be "punk'd" and enlisted in the Army and sent to Iraq, where they will "die."

2) If it isn't unbelievable enough to you that hefty comedian Kevin James is married to a petite brunette* on "King of Queens," then go ahead and watch "Hitch," in which he courts and then wins, yes, a super model in just a few dates. None other than Amber Valetta. One of many reasons that this movie, despite a few bright spots, sucked really, really badly.

*Who is, apparently, a Scientologist.

3) I saw the photograph of Jude Law's flaccid penis and I have to tell you, it was not "small." It wasn't "enormous," but it wasn't "small" either. It was what I would call "normal," unless there there is a pendulous majority of American males walking around bruising their balls on their knees that I am unaware of. That's the problem with our society. Word gets out that the pictures are circulating and one editor (frumpy and unhappy and employed at a gossip rag, no doubt) is quoted as saying "He's no Tommy Lee, that's for sure," and suddenly the common wisdom is that Law is hung like a newt.

What, he's no Tommy Lee? You mean his penis isn't 10-inches-long? Gee. That's tough. Because Lord knows if you can't steer a houseboat with your genitals like Tommy Lee, then you're not up to snuff, even though most women would probably experience a great deal of pain on a very regular basis if they were married to Tommy Lee, and not just because he is a tattooed moron.

It seems like adult America does not know that a penis grows when erect and becomes larger. And what Jude Law was rocking in a flaccid state was not small, compared to the mushroom that many men sport when their unit hasn't been called on in awhile and is minding its own business. I guess men get off pretty easily compared to women when it comes to the self-image psychoses this insane culture imposes on us, but it's no wonder, looking at the Law episode as an example, why men are made neurotic about the size of their dong.

.: posted by hornswaggler 5:36 PM

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