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Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" -- "I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!" |
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006Chuck Norris FactsSo a friend of mine recently sent me a link to the site of Chuck Norris Facts, a humorous list that deifies Chuck Norris and lists his feats and attributes. I don't know if I'm way behind the times on this, or whether other people have just discovered it too, but the site is really funny. Here are some examples: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris. The phrase "balls to the wall" was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar. The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off. As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. So I was inspired to try a few of my own: When Chuck Norris is startled, his back hair flairs out like a peacock’s feathers, forming a 40-foot orange fan that sways like a cobra and fires Stinger missiles. Chuck Norris defeated the Australian rugby team while wearing a full body cast. We all know that time = money. A lesser-known corollary is that time + money < Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris’ chest hair forms a canopy that is home to 37 different endangered species. Hercules’ final task was to steal Chuck Norris’ boots. Norris said he would let Hercules claim to have succeeded if he sheared off and bronzed his own testicles, so Norris could hang them on his wall. Hercules gratefully accepted. In the unpublished final installation of the story of Hannibal Lecter, the cannibalistic serial killer goes after Chuck Norris. Norris eats the doctor's brain, organs and his ribs along with a plate of refried beans and a twelve-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. When Chuck Norris crosses a river, his cubs cling to his fur for safety. It was not his testimony against mob boss John Gotti that convinced hit man Sammy "The Bull" Gravano to enter the witness protection program, but his decision to take the stand against Chuck Norris over a traffic violation. Chuck Norris put himself out to stud on a one-time basis. Dissatisfied with the result, he disowned his only son, Secretariat. Chuck Norris leg-pressed the latest Discovery flight into space, saving NASA millions in fuel costs. A friend showed Chuck Norris a tape from the "Faces of Death" series. As he watched a man mistakenly parachute into a pond stocked with alligators, Norris experienced an emotion he'd never felt before: jealousy. .: posted by hornswaggler 10:57 AM| |
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