" ... And so I ask you, my colleagues, will you join me in blocking the appointment of Samuel Alito, a man whose positions are far outside the mainstream of American political discourse?
"I'll stand up here talking all day and all night if I have to ... " (Shouts of horror and outrage from the gallery) "... because I believe my Democratic colleagues will come to understand my position. And I know my speaking voice will be strong today, tonight, and even tomorrow, because I drank a soothing blend of chamomile tea, honey and lemon last night, prepared by my lovely wife Teresa.
"Who will stand with me? Yes, that's the spirit. No, wait. It appears that the handful of senators who stood up in apparent support are now walking out of the room. That's okay. I've never shied away from a fight. Not when I was a swift boat captain, and not now. That had better be a bathroom break, Senator Byrd!
"Listen to me. When George Bush allowed Osama bin Laden to escape when he had him trapped in the mountains of Tora Bora, Samuel Alito probably agreed with the president's decision to outsource the job to Afghan warlords. As you may know, I did not agree with that decision.
"My friends, I'm asking you to stand up for your Democratic ideals. Senator Obama, you're not fooling anyone with those sunglasses. I know you're asleep. First the head-nodding, then the drool, gave you away.
"You know, when I was in Davos, Switzerland, for the World Economic Summit, I was talking to Warren Buffet one night by the fireplace, sipping on a snifter of brandy. He was desperately afraid that Blackberry would be found in violation of patent infringement. He. Really. Loves. That. Portable. Handheld. Communication. Device.
"You may ask, what does that have to do with Judge Alito? Sen. Feingold is saying "nothing." Well, I say everything. Are we going to continue the march towards a future of equality and compassion for all Americans, as represented by Blackberry in that metaphor? Or are we going to be dragged back into the past by conservative judges who don't believe in a woman's right to choose?
"Who is with me?" (Gunshot) "Well, Sen. Nelson of Florida has removed himself from consideration. And can someone assist Dick Durbin? It appears he's attempted to hang himself with his necktie.
"New rule, people: No suicides. If you don't want to vote for the filibuster, there are easier ways to do it."
"And now, since we're settling in for the long haul, I'm going to take out my Beatles songbook here and regale you with a few selections from the White Album."
Seriously, what was Kerry thinking? First, he had the bad sense to announce the filibuster from Davos, which led to a thorough mocking at the hands of the Wall Street Journal and right-wing bloggers -- the irony being that in announcing his filibuster bid on Daily Kos he was probably trying to be hip and strategic.
Second, if you don't have the votes, don't attempt a filibuster. Where's the party discipline? This just makes the Democrats look even more weak and inneffectual.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: When you run Al Gore for president and lose, and you say to yourself, "Okay, we've got four years to come up with a candidate who isn't dull and robotic," and you decide on John Kerry, you have got some serious and perhaps fatal problems.
Quick aside. When President Bush opened his SOTU last night with a brief tribute to Coretta Scott King, did anyone bother to point out that the rather menacing-looking bald man behind the president voted against the establishment of Martin Luther King Day?