Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


I have a few thoughts on "Lost," the season finale of which airs Wednesday, but first some observations on "24," which ended last night. I got home late last night from work and we didn't get a chance to watch the two-hour extravaganza.

So I am very curious to find out not just what happened on the show, but how many times Jack Bauer a) whispered in conversation where there was no need to and b) did that thing he does when he's talking on a cell phone dramatically where he looks over his right shoulder, as if to see if anyone's coming, even when no one's there.

I don't know who survived the season yet, but I have some suggestions for how the Counter Terrorism Unit can run a tighter ship next year, in the form of:

A Memo from Bill Buchanan, Special Agent in Charge of the Los Angeles Domestic Unit of CTU

To: All Unit personnel

It has been an especially trying day for all the members of CTU. I want to thank all of you who survived today's events for your hard work and dedication. I know some of you are concerned about the fact that the unit was infiltrated and attacked again. In fact, I've heard rumblings that some people are considering a lawsuit over safety in the workplace concerns. I'd like to try to allay your frustrations with some recommended changes in procedure. Clearly, we need to get a grip on the Unit. With some basic massaging, I believe we can ease its tension and reach a satisfying conclusion.

Here are some of the changes, to policy and the facility itself, that we are considering:

1) Renovating the lighting system. As many of you have noted, we have had repeated security problems with the poorly lit passageways connecting parts of our building. Though it may be aesthetically pleasing to wander through dark corridors that appear to be hewn out of rock, these hallways have caused us far too many problems, insofar as they are an ideal area for moles to hold secret conversations on their cell phones and kill people.

2) You know that room, off one of the dark corridors, where all the servers are? The one where there's always a laptop station where moles can access secret files and sabotage our efforts? We're going to close that.

3) Call monitoring. It was recently suggested to me that, if we simply had the ability to record all the phone conversations to and from people in this building, on both land lines and mobile phones, we could prevent all the moles and other saboteurs who have operated inside CTU from undercutting our operations. I'm not completely sold on this idea, but I've taken it under advisement.

4) Our mole problem. We've had an issue with moles getting into our basement and chewing on the electrical wiring. I've called the exterminator and that should get the situation under control.

5) Background checks. It seems to be far to easy have a murky past or sinister agenda and get hired in this place. We're going to start calling some of the references that prospective employees give us and stop relying on the honor system.

This is where we stand right now. Please forward me any additional concerns. Again, I thank you for your perserverence and, with any luck, nothing like what happened to today will occur anytime soon.

.: posted by hornswaggler 9:31 AM

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