Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Job creation

I was saddened to learn that David Addington -- Dick Cheney's former legal counsel, a primary architect of the Bush administration's torture regime and reputedly just an all-around dick -- is having trouble finding a job.

At first I was going to say I'd pay him $10 an hour to clean my toilet, but then I thought of something much better. I will pay Addington $100,000 to participate as the sole subject in a two-month experiment into the physical and psychological effects of various "stress techniques" that have been applied by U.S. military and intelligence personnel on detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib and other sites.

Obviously, I don't have $100,000. However, as soon as Addington provides written confirmation of his intent to participate in the program, along with a legal waiver, I will commence an online fundraising campaign that will surely be able to scare up that amount in no time at all.

We would waterboard him, deprive him of sleep and subject him to regular unnecessary strip searches. The good news is he wouldn't object to any of it, because he doesn't think it's torture. We wouldn't even slap him around, not that it would be necessary to stoop to such barbarism. After a couple weeks of keeping the lights on 24/7, lowering the temperature to a bracing 55 degrees and continually blasting Limp Bizkit and Mariah Carey into his cell over loudspeakers, he'd think he's a 15th-century farm girl named Celeste and princess of the Spider People, with whom he communicates through a wormhole in his toilet.

Other techniques Addington wouldn't mind: scaring the crap out of him with the guard dogs; stress positions, including forcing him to stand in one place for hours; and administering rectal examinations for no other reason than to subjugate and humiliate him (rape by instrumentality).

Man, it would be great. So don't fear, David. Terrific employment opportunities await. Call now.

.: posted by hornswaggler 9:05 AM

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