Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday NFL blogging

[Updated Monday night]

Vikings-49ers -- Looks like the old bastard stlll has a knack for big, dramatic plays. On a separate note, if you're looking for some insight into why the Niners are suddenly respectable, look no further than what Mike Singletary was overheard saying to his team in the locker room after the game:

"You have nothing to be looking at the floor for!” Singletary yelled, not worried reporters were in the adjacent room. “You didn’t steal anything! You didn’t do anything wrong! OK? We’re going to get better! We’re going to get there! We will see them again in the playoffs, all right? You hold your head up!”

The Niners have some talent, and they're healthy on defense this year, but they also have a bad-ass, inspirational coach.

From the annals of bad announcing -- Color man Charles Davis was trying to make a point following a touchdown in the Bears-Seahawks game when play-by-play man Dick Stockton just completely cut him off. It was hilarious:

Davis: "The decision by Lovie Smith to challenge the play reminds me of something a friend of mine told me a long time ago: Hey, --"

Stockton: "There you see Forsett and Obamanu back there deep for the Seahawks ... "

Davis was able to recount his anecdote about 10 minutes later in the broadcast, but I've never seen anyone get cut off so abruptly and completely and for no reason, just so Stockton could slowly list the names of the kick return team. So awesome. Stockton is 67 and, hey, isn't that retirement age?

DeSean Jackson -- He brings fresh meaning to expressions like "jackrabbit-quick" and "scamper." He's the fastest player I've ever seen in an Eagles uniform, and it's not that close. I'm trying to think who would be number two. Maybe receiver Dante Stallworth in his one season with the Birds in 2006 or cornerback Eric Allen from back in the Buddy Ryan-Rich Kotite era.

Dawk -- Looks like Brian Dawkins is earning his money so far in Denver, bringing some physicality to the Broncos D. He sought and destroyed Darren McFadden on a 10-yard run, decleating him. He was also brought in for his attitude and leadership. Mission accomplished there too. At one point, he was jumping slowly up and down on the sideline, getting amped for a defensive series, and rookie RB Knowshown Moreno was watching and smiling, grooving to it, almost like when Beavis and Butthead started headbanging during a tirade by their weight-lifting instructor. Not to compare Moreno to Beavis and Butthead.

Ads -- There are few songs that have been as ubiquitous for no good reason as Jet's "Are You Going to Be My Girl." Now it's being used in a Budweiser commercial. WTF.

It recently occurred to me, re Budweiser, that Bud is to beer as a McDonald's quarter-pounder is to cheeseburgers. That is, Budweiser, with its weird aftertaste, doesn't really taste like beer, in much the same way that McDonald's burgers don't taste like any burger you've ever made at home or eaten anywhere else, maybe because they're actually made from horsemeat. Or something. It's weird. As for Bud, it tastes somehow fundamentally different from your traditional lager, like Pacifica, more so than the other cheap, shitty beers.

Guess what the Budweiser commercial in question had to do with, by the way? Coldness. How about Bud and Coors stop trying to sell us on the freshness and coldness of their beers and get to work on making a beer that doesn't suck? They do realize that coldness and freshness are not intrinsic beer qualities, right? I've never in my life bought a beer that had "gone bad," unless it had been left in a kiddie pool for a week in August. All beer tastes better when it's cold (except for the whole Guinness thing). And no, Coors, I don't need Freaky Freezies technology to tell me when my beer is cold. Human hands have evolved over thousands of years, and one of the functions of these marvelously useful instruments is sensing heat and cold.

Incidentally, practically the only thing George Clooney has done that I can criticize him for is endorsing Budweiser. Does he really need the money? Come on.

Also, I've had it with these E-Trade babies. And when did that one baby become a total asshole? The worst of the ads is the one where the asshole baby mocks an old man in a locker room because he lost his retirement income in the stock market. Maybe if, instead of relying on institutional advisors, like a loser, he'd taken control of his life with E-Trade, snorting crystal meth and day-trading from his condo, he wouldn't be in this mess. As if a few savvy trades are going to make a difference in the midst of a market tsunami.

If you want a metaphor for the brokenness of the American system, and how we seem to be incapable of learning from our mistakes, you could do worse than this ad, in which an infant, that symbol of purity, demeans a man for having lost money in the midst of a financial meltdown that brought down America's top investment banks, perpetuating the myth that there's easy money to be made by placing short-term bets in the stock market.

.: posted by hornswaggler 9:12 AM

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