Hornswaggler | The culture, the humor, a bit of the sports, not so much the politics, and the workplace distraction

Hornswaggle is an alternate spelling of hornswoggle, an archaic word that means to bamboozle or hoodwink. I take my pronunciation from the late Harvey Korman in "Blazing Saddles" --

"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!"

Culture, Humor, Sports
Workplace Distraction

Friday, May 07, 2010

Notes from the gym

If you like sports, watching a good basketball or football game is the best way to pass the time while you're on the bike or the treadmill. But when I go to my gym I always have to nag employees to change the channel, because they never have the game on, no matter how big. Last night I wanted to watch the Hawks-Magic game. Not an earth-shattering contest, but there are about 15 TVs in the cardio section. You'd think it would be on one of them.

If I managed a gym, I would approach the TV situation as if I were running a sports bar. I would ask my employees to have a sense of what games are on that day that people might want to watch. How hard is it to look at the little box on Page 2 of the sports section and see what's on TV? But I seem to be the only guy at this place who feels compelled to hassle the employees to change the channel, since all the other dudes apparently are okay with Larry King or "Iron Chef," so I guess I'm out of luck.

On the bright side, I caught some of "Minute to Win It." Here's how I imagine the pitch for this show going down:

Lower-level executive: "Okay, here's the deal. You know how contestants on 'Deal or No Deal' act like jackasses? We're gonna up the ante. In this show, contestants will be asked to perform what are essentially 'Stupid Human Tricks.' When they succeed, they'll be encouraged to run around the stage and celebrate like they just returned a punt for a touchdown in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl."

Higher-level executive: "Who's the host?"

LLE: "You know Guy Fieri, that spaz with the spiky blond hair from the cooking channel, the one who compensates for his utter lack of wit or charm with seemingly meth-induced levels of energy?"

HLE: "Yeah, kind of like Ty Pennington, but chubby?"

LLE: "Exactly, his job will be to act like watching adults fan eggs into a painted square with an empty pizza box is the coolest, most mind-blowing thing he or the viewer has ever seen and point at the contestants like they were Jimi Hendrix lighting his guitar on fire at the Monterey Pop Festival."

HLE: "What else?"

LLE: "We'll also have women appear in low-cut spandex tops and zoom the camera in on their chests like a missile target while they're asked to do things like shake ping pong balls out of a Kleenex box attached to their behind."

HLE: "Aren't you the guy who told me 'Chuck' would revolutionize television?"

LLE: "That's right."

HLE: "I don't care. I love this. Let's get on the phone with Fieri's agent immediately."

.: posted by hornswaggler 8:11 AM

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