I'm pretty sure Monday night's TV lineup was devised by Satan. There was "Real Housewives of New Jersey," part two of the "Real Housewives of New York" reunion and "The Bachelorette," which is now always two hours because ABC decided they could double their profit if they dragged out each episode by having people on the show say the same banal, expository crap over and over again.
All three of these shows are in my wife's reality-television wheelhouse, so because I am an awesome husband/pushover, I half-watched this harrowing TV half-marathon. Last night's "Bachelorette" was such a treasure trove of inanity, however, that I had to go back and rewatch part of it to take down the dialogue, because evidently I like to waste my time. Here is most, but not all, of what Ali and one of the bachelors, Roberto, had to say about being cast as bit players in a Broadway performance of "The Lion King," whose financial contributions to ABC had nothing to do with these two idiots' prating on and on about their experience.
Ali: "'The Lion King' is one of the most incredible shows on Broadway. It's won six Tony Awards, including Best Musical, and, uh, I'm really excited for this date today." (Sounds like she had some help on the award trivia from some cue cards.)
Ali: "l love musicals and I love these guys. I can't wait to see the two come together."
Ali: "Roberto and I are going to be performing in 'The Lion King' tonight, which is so incredible."
Roberto: "Being on Broadway with Ali is kind of an extra-special place for me, because it's such a special place to her."
Ali: "The show's about to start and I'm so nervous. Oh, my god! We're gonna be on Broadway!"
Ali: "Knowing that we're about to perform in front of a sold-out house in one of the biggest musicals of all time is really intimidating."
Roberto: "This is all just surreal. Being on Broadway with Ali this is one of those moments. And I'm just going to enjoy every second of it."
Ali: "I feel so lucky to be here. Broadway is absolutely my favorite thing about New York City. I'm just in awe of how powerful and amazing it is."
Ali: "I'm really happy that I get to share this moment with Roberto tonight ... I cannot believe that I'm about to be in a Broadway musical. This is an absolute dream. I am shaking like crazy. Here we go!"
Roberto: "I feel so lucky to be here, so privileged. Being with Ali right now, it's exciting. I know she loves Broadway shows, and the fact that she's gonna get to be in one and I'm gonna be in it with her is unbelievable.
Ali: "I couldn't believe where I was standing at that moment and there was no going back at that point. We had to go up there and do something."
Ali: "I'm 100 percent positive there's no one else I could have done this with but Roberto."
Ali: "It's so amazing that Roberto and I were on Broadway as a couple and got to share that experience together."
Okay, class. Time for some reading comprehension.
How was Ali feeling about the performance? A) Excited B) Depressed C) Nervous D) Apathetic E) Both A and C
What literary term describes Ali and Roberto's remarks? A) Allusion B) Euphemism C) Tautology D) Portmanteau
Seriously, though. Nice work, ABC. That's good stuff.
Also, not like it makes a difference, but out of 19 seasons of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette," only three couples have made it. And that's deceiving, because two of the successful couples are from the most recent seasons, so the jury is still out, which means there's really been just one success in 17 tries. That's not good.
All in all, I'm reminded of this passage from a New York Times article a few months ago about NBC:
When David Sarnoff, the founder of NBC, then a part of the Radio Corporation of America, stood at the New York World’s Fair in 1939 in Flushing Meadows to introduce television to the world, he said: “It is with a feeling of humbleness that I come to this moment of announcing the birth in this country of a new art so important in its implications that it is bound to affect all society. It is an art which shines like a torch of hope in a troubled world. It is a creative force which we must learn to utilize for the benefit of all mankind.”
Safe to say this didn't work out?
UPDATE: Apropos of those last two lines -- "an art which shines like a torch of hope in a troubled word ... a creative force which we must learn to utilize for the benefit of all mankind" -- here was the Wednesday night lineup of TLC, formerly known as The Learning Channel: 7 p.m., "My Monkey Baby"; 8 p.m., "Extreme Poodles"; 9 and 9:30 p.m., "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"; 10 p.m., "Toddlers and Tiaras."