An announcement from Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak
My fellow Egyptians, the uprising in Cairo has shaken our nation to its core, and it has convinced me to make this important announcement: I am leaving. I am leaving for my summer palace to contemplate the disturbing events of recent days. All this upheaval has been difficult for me, and I need a week of "Hosni time" to unwind and recharge my batteries.
When I get back, you can rest assured that there will be changes. For instance, I am going to eat more fresh vegetables. The roasted meats and soft cheeses upon which I regularly dine, while succulent and delicious, are not good for my health. To continue serving my people for years to come, I must take steps to improve my diet.
Of course, I have heard your demands that I relinquish power. I have heard them loud and clear, ringing from Tahrir Square. Therefore, I am giving my vice president, Omar Suleiman, broad new authority. He will pick out the uniforms of the staff at the presidential palace, and he'll get to choose the lounge we visit on Hookah Wednesdays. In addition--
Excuse me, my cameraman has just given me a note. It says the military has seized control of the government, soldiers are amassed outside the door, and they're planning to take me to the Nile and feed me to the crocodiles. Well, it looks like the belly dance is up. My beloved people, will you grant this old dictator one request? Can I authorize the rendition of a U.S. detainee once more, for old times sake? No? Ah, well. Someone hand me my pants.